Dear Soldiers for the Baby Jesus:
Once again, pagan combatants, wielding verbal grenades made of non-specific cheer, are on a militant rampage to retake the Winter Solstice, a holiday invaded and occupied by Christians over 1,700 years ago.
Friends, we stole December fair and square -- and are going to stay the coarse ones in turning a season devoted to love and joy into an vitriolic turf war all about us!
The first shopping skirmish of the season occurred when my Personal Shopper spotted secular insurgents maraudering behind the Estee Lauder counter. I personally overheard several of these "Happy Holidays" extremists, uniformed in the Lauder infantry's blue, paramilitary smocks, boldly declare a jihad on the Baby Jesus' birthday. As I feigned interest in an egregiously harloty shade of bright red lipstick, I overheard the make-up militia chant such bellicose, Christmas-hating greetings as "Have a wonderful holiday!" to civilian shoppers. They also brandished IEDs (introductory exfoliating devices) to Christian foundation buyers, Bible-believing bargain hunters simply looking for a Christmas gift that came free with a $35 purchase.
Moments later, bell-ringing infantry from the Salvation Army were called in to drown out the battle cries of "Ho! Ho! Ho!" from a sidewalk Santa. This invasion appears to have been based on faulty intelligence as it turns out that the Santa bellowing "Ho! Ho! Ho!" was merely greeting Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as they drunkenly stumbled out of Neiman-Marcus. Before Baptist mercenaries realized this mistake, angry Pentecostal militia had already rounded up striped-stockinged enemy combatants (pint-sized operatives calling themselves "elves"). They were wrestled to the ground just outside of their bunker, a Styrofoam gingerbread house in Bloomingdale's window.
Bill O'Reilly and I undertook a reconnaissance mission to undercover anti-Christmas propaganda militants. Holiday hostilities began after I resourcefully used a "Noel" candle from Pottery Barn (which Bill mistook for a candy-striped pagan tribute to Jeb Bush's crackwhore daughter) to ignite an appalling "Peace on Earth" banner dangling just outside a notorious secular stronghold called Sephora. As Bill jumped up and down on the flaming banner, he screamed at frightened eye-shadow and fragrance browsers, "Peace on earth? You can take your anti-troops, anti-Bush, pinko pacifistic agitprop and shove it right up your --"
Fortunately, a resourceful spritz of "Hillary Duff with Love" Eau de Parfum Spray not only prevented Bill from completing his proctologic entreaty, it also caused so much collateral damage to bystander shoppers that "Hillary Duff with Love" has replaced Polonium-210 as my favorite disabling spray during our current campaign to retake the fur department at Saks for Jesus.
As all of you arm yourselves for CHRISTmas shopping this season, know that your comrade-in-arms, Mrs. Betty Bowers, is with you in the AMEX-accepting trenches. Your Commander-in-Cashmere wishes all of you a joyous Baby Jesus Day and asks you to remain vigilant against secular uprisings, such as shockingly rude cards that wish so-called "nice" things without pandering to your particular brand of faith. And a special word of warning to you lady shoppers out there: Watch out for Pastor's notoriously inaccurate missile-toe!
So Close To Jesus, I Still Haven't Forgiven Him For Stretching Out Last Christmas's Lovely Elie Tahari Paulo Sweater By Allowing The Entire Trinity To Try It On All At Once,
Mrs. Betty Bowers
America 's Best Christian